The Other Half of a Smile
by Dreamer Is A Turtle
Summary: Alisa has an inner darkness in her that's killing her on the inside. She wants to tell someone, but her emotional pain is hers alone and she can't bring herself to burden her friends. What is the darkness that plagues her thoughts? This is an entry for a writing contest for the forum Warrior Cats RolePlaying!


_"Ow, hey! Stop that you little booger!" Alisa laughed as she turned in her seat to look at the eight year old boy sitting behind her. Alisa would never stop thinking of how adorable he was._

 _He had short, dirty blonde hair that looked like a mousy brown-gray shade instead. His dusty brown hair color contrasted against Alisa's own dark blonde hair. She never knew how he had gotten that color since she never saw anyone else with that color of hair, but she guess her brother was quite the exception in her family of mostly fair-haired people._

 _Still, despite having short hair, he had the cutest bangs ever. It was the only part of his hair that was curly. Alisa lost track of all of the times she irritated him about his curls, and he got defensive over them every single time. Too cute. Still, looking at his face, she could see the similarities between them._

 _Their dark blue eyes were nearly identical, except hers had some gray while his contained a tiny bit of green. They were both pale skinned, yet he was slightly tanner. Both had rounder cheeks and freckles dusted across their skin. Their differences and their resemblances entertained Alisa, especially when the younger boy flashed a smile. Dang, he could get any girl with those remarkable dimples of his._

 _"And what did you think you were doing, mister?"_

Alisabeth 'Alisa' Catt had stirred awake after shifting in her bed. She blinked her eyes groggily as she tried to figure out what had woken her before she felt what her hand was touching. What the… Her eyes widened comically as she curled her fingers just slightly. That was definitely hair. Was someone in her bed? She didn't remember Rylie or Adam coming over. Heck, she didn't remember anyone coming over. _Don't let it be a boy. Don't let it be a boy. I want to make sure I stay a beautiful virgin thank you very much._ Squeezing her eyes shut, she slowly turned over in order to not disturb her sudden bed friend. When she was fully facing the other way, she gradually opened her right eye and nearly squeaked as she found sky blue eyes glaring at her. "Cream! Don't scare momma like that! I'm too young for a heart attack."

Cream, one of the two youngest cats Alisa has, continued to glare at her for a few moments longer before turning his head to go back to sleep. Alisa sighed as she slowly brushed her hand through the part Siamese's white and cream colored fur. She pulled her hand away though when his black tail started lashing side to side. That was Cream language of 'leave me alone and get my breakfast ready'.

"All right, all right, don't get your kitty underwear in a knot." Alisa rolled her eyes affectionately before quickly brushing her hand on his head, moving away towards the kitchen before he could scratch at her hand. She began to hum as she entered the kitchen, instantly being surrounded by four chihuahuas. All four began to try and get her attention, but she couldn't hold all four, so she picked up Zack, the oldest and most behaved one she had. He was also one of the smallest, nearly being the same as Yoda, the youngest dog.

Holding Zack close to her chest, she began rummaging through drawers and before they knew it, they had breakfast ready in front of them. Alisa placed Zack down so he could eat as well. She watched as the tiny dogs ate, frowning as a memory hit her.

 _"I don't like dogs."_

 _Alisa tilted her head as looked down at Elijah. The two of them had went out on a walk together around the neighborhood. "What? I thought you liked dogs?" Since when did he start disliking them? Just fifteen minutes ago they were laughing at funny animal videos on YouTube!_

 _Elijah shrugged as he reached out to hold Alisa's hand. "I do. I just don't like big dogs near me. I'm scared that they're going to hurt me because I'm so small and they're big." Alisa was listening carefully. She found his fear a bit cute, but still he was afraid and he needed her to support him. "You know how sensitive I am." That was true. A little poke and he would be crying his eyes out. "I don't want to get hurt."_

 _"Who does?" Alisa snorted as she stopped walking and bent down to look at her little brother better. "But I'm here, Eli. You know I would never let anyone or anything hurt you. I'll protect you as much as I can, you know that, right?" He nodded as he went to hug her, his arms around her neck while she wrapped hers around his torso. "I love you too much to let you get hurt. Unless I'm the one hurting you," she teased before pinching him, causing him to pull back with a yelp. She grinned as she took off running with him chasing after her, wanting to get his own revenge. They both didn't even last a minute._

 _"Ugh, no more running."_

 _"We need to get out more."_

Alisa broke out of her thoughts as she felt something brush against her. She looked to her side and found Cody on the counter, rubbing against her arm. "Ew, Cody, are you drooling again? Ack, it's on my sleeve!" She made a face at the wetness on her sleeve before sighing and began to pet the big, black cat. "Aw, you know I can't stay mad at you, my big boy. She cooed before she got the cats' dishes out to feed them. The noise and smell got the other occupants up and running to the kitchen. Cody didn't stop eating as his identical sister, Shiloh, joined him. Cream and Tiger, the youngest littermates she had, came next. Cream hissed at his sister as she tried to eat out of his bowl. Alisa watched Cream with a raised brow. She was not ready to deal with the angry teenage time for him.

She turned and started to make her own breakfast.

 _"I'm hungry."_

 _"You're always hungry."_

 _"What do you expect? I love food."_

Her fingers curled on the countertop as she waited for her toast to finish. She jumped when the toast finally finished toasting. "Ow, ow, ow, ow," Alisa chanted as she pulled them out of the toaster and onto her plate. Moving over to her fridge, she pulled out the tub of butter and turned to face the cupboard that had the peanut butter. Bringing them back to her plate, she lathered the toast in the two butters and smashed them together into a sandwich. She could swear she felt disapproving stares on her back. "What? It's a Monday! I need fattening food on Mondays."

Just as she was about to take a bite, there was a loud knock on her door. "Oh, what now?" She huffed as her belly grumbled. She tried to see who it was from her spot in the kitchen, but the view was terrible. Sighing, she walked the few feet from her kitchen and door and peeked through the glass. She put on a smile and opened the door. "Adam, fancy meeting ya here!" Adam smiled softly as he looked at her.

"Well, this is your home, right?"

"I would hope so." She stuck her tongue out as she closed the door behind her so the animals wouldn't get out. "I mean, I don't drink alcohol or anything, so if I entered the wrong house I can just blame it on my blondness." She twirled a strand of her hair around her finger.

Adam just shook his head as he looked down at his shoes. "Look, Alisa, it's been weeks since Rylie and I talked to you. You didn't even contact us on Christmas. We didn't know where you were, and the fact that you quickly went on this weird trip with this guy, that I know you just met a while ago, is worrying." Alisa frowned as Adam talked. "You just met him for a couple weeks and you're already going God knows where with him? Rylie is really sick and I guess I'm still recovering a bit, and you ditch us." Adam looked up and stepped back from the blank stare he received from her. Alisa had always wore her heart on her sleeve, despite how hard she tried to control her emotions. But this… this was different. She showed nothing at all, she just stared at him with dull eyes, their dark blue hue almost a gray now. He noticed that her hands were moving, clenching and unclenching, tapping and gripping. She just couldn't keep still, no matter how much her personality loved to just relax and rest and not do anything physically active a lot.

Alisa finally let out a shaky sigh as she closed her eyes. She bit her lip and Adam knew that something was wrong. "No, Alisa, don't do that."

"Don't do what?" Alisa looked back at him with a smile. That was what he didn't want her to do. It hurt him to see it.

"Don't hide behind a smile."

 _"And what did you think you were doing, mister?"_

 _Elijah grinned cheekily at her as he moved his legs away from the back of her seat. "I'm not doing anything." He replied innocently, smiling wider. Maybe if he looked cute enough, she would forget about it._

 _"Don't hide behind a smile," Alisa smirked as she reached over to poke his thigh, which got him to giggle at the ticklish sensation. "I taught you that trick, you little twerp. Sorry, but the student has yet to beat the master," she laughed._

 _"Is that so?" Their mother, Alexandra, spoke after glancing at her children in amusement. Alisa had stopped laughing and looked at her mother with wide eyes. "And when did you learn this trick yourself, miss Alisa?"_

 _Alisa chuckled nervously as she waved her hand in her mother's direction. "Oh, you know, TV. It's not like I use it to get out of trouble or anything." Someone kill her now._

 _"Yes, she does."_

 _"Eli, you shut up now or I'm going to put mushrooms in your dinner!" Alisa threatened her little brother. Curse him and his tattle telling mouth. Still, she wouldn't want him any other way._

 _The three of them talked, the increasing snowfall and icy roads going unnoticed._

 _"Mom, look out!"_

 _Alisa's world went dark as she heard the voice of a boy call out her name. "Alisa!"_

"Alisa!" She blinked as she stared up at the close face of Adam. He looked down at her in concern, his hands gripping the upper part of her arms. He grew scared when she got the blank expression again. She didn't respond to any of his calls till now. Alisa took some time to get her bearings before she slipped out of his grasp.

"You should get going. I have at lot of chores that need to get done," she lied as she tried to make her exit. He wouldn't let her as he pulled back into his chest, hugging her from behind.

"Please, Alisa, tell me what's wrong," his voice wavered. "I'm scared. Rylie is dealing with her cancer, and I don't want to lose her. Then, here you are distancing yourself from us when we need you the most. You were always our light, so why are you leaving us? What's going on through that head of yours?"

Alisa didn't respond as she looked at her front door. They both just stood there, his arms around her. She slowly raised her hand, placing it on top of his. Adam was hoping that this was it, that she would open up to him. His hope was crushed when she removed his arms and quickly went into her house, shutting and locking the door behind her. Adam stood there, staring at the door with pain in his eyes.

Alisa was sitting against the door, hands over her mouth as she tried to muffle her sobs. Her pets looked at her, but didn't approach. Not yet. Even Cream knew that she needed to calm down a bit first. Alisa heard Adam's footsteps leaving before she let out an anguished cry. All her pain, fear, grief and everything else was in that one screaming cry. Her eyes burned as tears blurred her vision, running down her cheeks freely.

She scrambled to her feet and dashed to the hallway, banging open the closet door. She sunk to her knees as she looked at everything she kept in there. Everything that used to be Elijah's. His favorite stuff animals, his favorite movies, books, toys. His science and engineering kits. His detective items. His hockey gear.

She bowed her head. He had so much skill in many things. His future was bright for him and his smart brain. Why did it have to be him? It should've been her. She didn't deserve life as much as he did. Her life was tainted by darkness the moment she had to grow up enough to protect her brother from the darkness of their biological father. The man who would abuse drinking alcohol, who would watch inappropriate videos on the Internet no matter how much mom told him to stop, who would beat upon their mother, who showed that he really didn't care about them as a family. She saw it all, and she opened herself to the darkness where it now infects her soul. She may not be like her father, but the darkness still corrupted her in a different way. Emotional pain.

But her brother was still surrounded by light. His whole being was light, and she was going to protect it. His light made her darkness not as dark. It made her gray. She was the gray that sat between the white light and black darkness. She protected her light.

But now it was gone.

No more light.

No more gray.

Only pure dark.

Adam's words hit her then. She… she needed to tell them. For the first time, she realized how grateful she was for her friends. They… they helped lighten up her darkness. They made living each day easier. They might not be Elijah, but they were a a light in their own way. She stood and headed towards the door. She was going to tell them.

But she couldn't.

Her step faltered as she came to a halt.

Rylie had cancer, and she couldn't tell her, not when she was fighting something that could cause her to die. She didn't need to show her darkness to someone who was fighting their own. Rylie would think about her darkness and open herself up more to the cancer because she let her guard down.

Adam had a future in hockey. There was no way his injury was going to hold him back. Yet, she didn't want to be the one that would hold him back. If she told him her darkness, he would stay to help her through it instead of pushing toward his dream before it was too late.

No she couldn't tell them, but she could. Her eyes landed on her journal that lied on the coffee table. She could tell them, even if that meant they may never know what she told them. She sat down and opened her journal, grabbing a pencil and she began to write. Words flowed onto the paper as she wrote the dreaded memory that caused the source of her eternal darkness. She wrote of being free from the source, but of being infected. She wrote about her light making her gray. She told how she lost the light. She explained everything. Then, she closed her journal. She told them, but they would only know that if they read it themselves.

 _"Alisa!"_

 _When Alisa woke up next, she found herself in a room of white. She only knew two rooms from many books she read that would be white. She was either in Heaven, or a hospital. Considering the smell, this definitely was a hospital. She moved to sit up, but a nurse came in and lied her back down. "Hey, just stay down a bit, miss. Your head was hit quite hard."_

 _"What?" Alisa questioned as she blinked up at the nurse. "I… where is my mom?"_

 _"Your mother is signing some papers for your release. You both weren't terribly injured, thank God. But your head took quite a hit and we had you rest. I just gotta make sure you don't have a concussion."_

 _Alisa was listening with stupor. "Wait, Elijah… where's my little brother? Is he okay? Can I see him?"_

 _The nurse looked at her with sad eyes as she took Alisa's hand, patting it gently. "I'm sorry, dear. After you slid and bumped your head against the door, a semi came and ran into the back of your car. Your brother didn't make it…"_

 _"You mean…"_

 _"He's dead."_

 **I've been keeping my feelings locked up inside my head for far to long. I have to let them out now. It's now or never.**

 **I chose never.**


End file.
